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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

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I grew up as a quite normal child and the family is now used to that ,well i am not sure if i am really a quite and normal and my words are killing me inside…I started this blog to share the stories that keep me awake at night…

post

I broke my friend’s toy

I love kissing,the art behind it is everything, the feeling that comes with it- how one just floats on air during a passionate kiss. 

I remember I was empty and needed someone to look at me and tell me I am worth of a kiss,not just any kiss but a passionate kiss- she gave me her favourite toy to break to make myself better, what am I really?  Sometimes I think about how I am so cruel, how can I allow to kiss my friend’s ex boyfriend to feel better about myself.  I don’t like what I did, put my friendship on a line for a guy.

She is the most beautiful, heartwarming person one can ever ask for and I ruined that over an empty feeling,couldn’t I have just kissed someone else? I am not okay

I miss sleeping 

How do people put themselves to sleep? Without sounding like they wanna kill themselves,  I just want to sleep, is that really too much to ask for? I mean I want to close my eyes ,switch off my brainand sleep.  

I hate my thoughts,I hate all this things running in my head,don’t they get tired?  I really just wanna sleep.. I can’t sleep and it is not okay 

I hate this feeling 

Is it one of those feelings again, when I think I need someone to fill me up,am I still empty inside or this are real feelings.  I have this feeling… 

Why can’t I be like other kids and hold myself, why am I forcing myself to people,I hate how I feel… I know where this is going, after him I’ll like another one and another and another, maybe happiness is not meant for me.

I know what the problem is actually, I think happiness comes from a man,I have this feeling.  Why can’t I just focus on me,it is just a month for God’s heaven sake,am I that broken that I like anything and anyone who comes along?  From today focus on you,I don’t care if you are getting depressed but wanting a guy to tell you that you are special is not an option.. Tell yourself. 

I am angry at myself and I hate this feeling but ei it’s okay 

I am sorry 

Hey you…I may have appeared innocent to you and I may have used my eyes to deceive you,to tell you the truth I never liked you,hey you I am sorry… 

I used your emotions to feed my cold emotions, maybe it was okay for me but for you It was not,you will never know how sorry I am, but hey you I am sorry…

I want to tell you, trust me, but you are human you will never understand, but I told God,I confessed how I did his child wrong, so hey you,I am sorry…

Well you are not the only one,I have put those close to my heart through the same thing,I am not saying this as an excuse but my way of showing you that I did wrong to those I said I love…

I have used and manipulated people’s emotions to feed the cold me and for that I am sorry.. 

It is okay not to understand now but I am sorry…it was not okay 

Unto the Lord I surrender 

Confess unto the Lord all your sins, for He will forgive you. 

I turned my face away from God and looked at the things of the this world, I opened my soul to the cruel world and I lost myself…it was okay I guess, I didn’t have fear,not because the Lord said fear not but because I thought I am the driver of mylife, little did I know I am driving myself to a dark hole ….it was not okay really it was not

I don’t know why

I am taking a new journey tomorrow, I am reflecting on she who I have been walking with,since her was broken.

In this journey I need to give away few things, which include not thinking about anyone who influence how I feel about myself. 

I don’t know how I will survive a month without thinking about this person, I have found so much liking in him. He is really the best, he keeps me calm without doing anything, he is such  a challenge, we don’t talk much, I am scared to call him as I don’t wanna come out as being forward, he might not even see me the way I see him and oh he lives 18 hours away from me…I am not sure if I like him or the thought of him.. Owh well he promised not to walk away I guess a month of reflection won’t kill what I feel for him.

I guess it’s okay